If someone told me what I'd really feel like after this biopsy I'd have told them to fuck off. I've never had any hospital bouts so the pain was completely foreign. I feel like a wimp and I really hate that.
I kept thinking that I was watching someone else being wheeled to the CT room. I kept thinking this could not in fact be happening. It's too ridiculous. When the tech, radiologist and anesthesiologist are giving me their speeches I keep laughing (before any drugs) and saying this whole thing is stupid. Then we get into a chat about where my faerie will be stabbed for the biopsy. When the radiologist walks into this conversation he looks perplexed and then once he starts jabbing scissors in my ribs to figure out where he's going in (no meds) he realizes there's not faerie in the room but a faerie he might have to attack w/a needle. A needle they discuss in this manner. "So here's the 19 gauge needle but we have a 20" and they poke the scissors in me some more and look at my intercostals perplexed. I finally look over at the anesthesiologist and say, "is it too soon for the good stuff? I think I need to be high if I'm going to have to listen to which gauge needle they're about to stab me with." He laughs and begins to get ready to push it.
Oh dear baby jesus. Now I know why people ruin their lives to become junkies. That first hit was like sex and candy. Wait, isn't that a song? Seriously that was good stuff but totally not worth what came after I woke up.
You know that stabbing feeling you get when you run for a while? In your side. That's what it feels like. That sensation times two and then for some reason my uterus is crampy. So moving is super fun. It's like I don't have abs and believe me there's plenty of flab to prove that theory.
So I feel awful and am in the hospital laying on my right side so that if I'm bleeding it doesn't pool. This is so uncomfortable I ask for more meds. I never want to take anything. I don't believe in it. However I'm in pain. I'm on the verge of tears every few minutes and all I can keep saying is, "this is so fucking stupid." Poor Chris hasn't eaten since 8am and he's trying to comfort me. It's 3pm. I came out a lot later than I was supposed to. I swear I heard they took 4 samples. I swear that the doctors looked perplexed by the screen of my thoracic cavity. I thought my thoracic vertebrae looked awesome. I saw my insides and they're pretty cool. Turns out I want to keep them. All of 'em.
I bled a lot. The mass was very vascular and all I know is that I changed gowns in the CT room and when I looked I was a bloody mess; and I don't mean that in a british way. I had to stay 4 hours post biopsy for observation. It was terrible. I couldn't eat so I couldn't get any vicodin or I'd be sick. Then I got sick. Do you know what its like to puke IV fluid with a freshly wounded liver? Don't try it. Highly overrated. The only good part was that Chris jumped up to help me throw up into my pink bean shaped vomit bowl. He held my hair, I held a very warm bowl of vomit. It was love. Seriously, I realized in that moment that no one else would do. After I apologized for stinking up the room and over all ruining his day he says, "I'm used to it. I'm just glad it doesn't smell like alcohol." Oh l'amour. Finally I'm really thankful for his job.
My mom was there which was comforting too. It was at that moment that I also realized we'd been in the opposite situation only 4 years ago. Fucking cancer. I'm going to be pissed no matter what the news is about the tumor. No cancer, great. Thanks for the biopsy that was super fun. Cancer, holy shit I don't think I can do this every week. The pain, fatigue and vomiting.
Ugh. I'm grumpy and I hate being a burden. This sucks. I can't drive for another 12 hours, not that I could. I can't lift anything over 10lbs for a few days and I can't have ibuprofen for 5 days. This tylenol shit isn't cutting it. Guess who's getting a migraine? Oh and I can't have alcohol for another 12 hours. Not that is sounds appealing at all but I like that she threw that in there while I was wiping the mucus off my face post vomitus maximus.
In conclusion, I do not recommend nor condone the use of large needles in any organs. When I walk I look like a grandma. I cannot walk upright for very long. WTF?
Go organic to minimize your risk of carcinogens. This isn't worth it. I promise.
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